I Worry

As I type this, I am sitting on my bed staring at the baby monitor, watching Nicholas move around. He’s 11 months old now, and learning to teach himself to stand up in the crib, and look around. Obviously, this frightens me. I know he’s growing up, I can see it and I can feel it with how much he has changed. It’s really easy for me to sit and reminisce of what feels like decades ago. Why am I worrying?

I remember the day I gave birth to him, I cried when I heard his first cry, and when I held him for the first time I knew my life would never be the same. Cliche? probably, but it’s definitely the truth. That first night, I laid in the hospital bed watching his little chest move up and down, listened to him breathing and I felt scared. I was scared that he was so fragile and small, that he couldn’t possible care for himself, and scared that I was never going to be good enough for him. My biggest fear at that time was that his little chest would stop moving and I would lose him forever. Why do I worry?

We brought him home, and every night I’d stare at that chest…and when i’d fall asleep, i’d wake myself up for fear of staying asleep through something I couldn’t fathom happening…I worried for weeks…what if he stopped breathing? Why did I worry?

I cried several nights wondering how I was going to be a good mom, what if I’m not perfect? What if he turns out bad? What if he hates me? I thought about all of these things as I looked at him. When would I stop worrying?

The Answer is never. I worry because I love him, and while I know none of these things matter right now, I know that I cannot simply stop myself from worrying. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t continue to do it. Only time will tell what our future will hold together, and as each day passes, I will continue to worry, because I care. Because I want to remind myself everyday to do a good job, and that our time in this world is short. I worry every day, but I don’t let my worry consume me. I am here for him now, and he is here because of me, and my biggest worry now, is that my worry will make me forget that.

Do you worry? What do you do to help?

2 comments

  1. Taylor Yates says:

    OMG ALL THE TIME. I worry, I mean. What I do is take all of those worries and write them down and put the piece of paper in the back of my desk drawer. It makes me feel like I “put the worries away” and it helps me calm down and focus on everything else.

    acupoftay.com

  2. Vicky says:

    I’m not a big worrier, but with that said, I don’t have kids :). I’m sure if I did, I would worry more! Usually if I do catch myself worrying, I generally realize that worrying won’t solve anything and generally makes me feel worse. Plus, usually, when worrying, you end up imagining everything so much worse than it would actually be! But, if I do find myself stuck on something I imagine the worst case scenario and devise a few plans for dealing with it. Once I have a plan in place, the worry drops away! Hang in there, Kayla!! I’m sure you’re doing an amazing job as a new mom…I think that fact that you ARE worrying is a good indicator that you’re doing awesome :).

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