As I type this, I am sitting on my bed staring at the baby monitor, watching Nicholas move around. He’s 11 months old now, and learning to teach himself to stand up in the crib, and look around. Obviously, this frightens me. I know he’s growing up, I can see it and I can feel it with how much he has changed. It’s really easy for me to sit and reminisce of what feels like decades ago. Why am I worrying?
I remember the day I gave birth to him, I cried when I heard his first cry, and when I held him for the first time I knew my life would never be the same. Cliche? probably, but it’s definitely the truth. That first night, I laid in the hospital bed watching his little chest move up and down, listened to him breathing and I felt scared. I was scared that he was so fragile and small, that he couldn’t possible care for himself, and scared that I was never going to be good enough for him. My biggest fear at that time was that his little chest would stop moving and I would lose him forever. Why do I worry?
We brought him home, and every night I’d stare at that chest…and when i’d fall asleep, i’d wake myself up for fear of staying asleep through something I couldn’t fathom happening…I worried for weeks…what if he stopped breathing? Why did I worry?
I cried several nights wondering how I was going to be a good mom, what if I’m not perfect? What if he turns out bad? What if he hates me? I thought about all of these things as I looked at him. When would I stop worrying?
The Answer is never. I worry because I love him, and while I know none of these things matter right now, I know that I cannot simply stop myself from worrying. If it were that easy, I wouldn’t continue to do it. Only time will tell what our future will hold together, and as each day passes, I will continue to worry, because I care. Because I want to remind myself everyday to do a good job, and that our time in this world is short. I worry every day, but I don’t let my worry consume me. I am here for him now, and he is here because of me, and my biggest worry now, is that my worry will make me forget that.
Do you worry? What do you do to help?