Today is my personal Day 6 of Alex Beadon’s Feel Good Blogging Challenge, and boy, is this a challenge.
I’ve been thinking to myself over the last 24 hours about all of times I’ve felt vulnerable in my life, and it occurred to me that one of my most vulnerable points in my life is something I rarely care to discuss as it is a direct path back into my vulnerable state. Thinking about it now, makes me feel strong and brave, happy and full of relief, but also selfish and a bit guilty as I know these aren’t the end feelings everyone gets to enjoy. Please brace yourselves, I am going to get very serious and personal about my life.
I was told at a young age I may never be able to carry a child full term due to a few issues I had in my body. I accepted that as a fact, and moved forward thinking i’d never have children. Still, in the bottom of my heart, it was something I always wanted.
When people would ask me if I was going to have kids, i’d say something silly to hide my feelings like “i’m too focused on my career” or, “I enjoy my ME time too much” not considering the feelings I was pushing aside, and worse, not considering how stupid I sounded.
Without getting into too much detail, I took care of myself to avoid any heartache, or at least I thought I did before the loss of a couple of unborn children proved there was nothing I could do to stop myself from feeling the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. I was done. I wanted it to end, and I hated feeling the way I did, like I couldn’t do anything right. I struggled with seeing women with their babies, and happy families, and I struggled internally with the reality of what really was. I lied to myself when I forced myself to think I wasn’t good enough, and when I became pregnant a third time, I couldn’t bare the pain of what I knew was going to come. Should I try to follow through? What if the doctor was wrong is saying i’d be risking my life? Did my life REALLY matter all that much? How would people treat me? These are all questions i’d ask myself countless times. I’d given up hope on my body and the dream that I would be able to carry full term. It came to the point that I didn’t even want to try. I felt naked and left out “there” in a zone that everyone could see through me, and I didn’t have courage to stand up and walk away. I was scared.
Then, something changed. After one of the worst losses of my life where my relationship was at risk, I became pregnant AGAIN. The second I saw the little plus sign, everything was shock. Only this time, I didn’t ask those questions. I didn’t wonder, and I wasn’t scared. Something felt different; Something felt RIGHT.
Doctors were worried and put me on a high risk status, but watched me excessively and when we became “us” officially, I allowed my body to take its course — even after the warnings, and against the advice of many, we succeeded. Nicholas Alexander was born a healthy, strong, beautiful baby, and my life could not be more blessed.
Vulnerability is NOT a weakness, hiding your emotions is.
We are all subjected to vulnerability and many will try to convince you that you are being weak. We all feel, and we all love, and we all truthfully want to be heard, even in the worst situations. Learning to discuss my feelings and emotions is one of the most freeing things I will ever feel, and being heard is uplifting. Talk about how you feel, and realize that your emotions — whether justified or not, are TRUE because they are yours. Be willing to speak, and also be willing to listen when someone else sharing their feelings with you.
I may be a stranger, but I am an excellent listener. If you feel like you’d like to discuss something of personal nature with an unbiased opinion, please feel free to contact me. There is always someone willing to listen and hear you, even when you just need to vent.